my thoughts still feel much too messy for therapy
i thought the point of EMDR was that you don’t have to talk about shit
that’s what Kamala told me anyway
but the first part of it, “history” laying
just some fancy words for digging shit up
bullshit
if this shit were easy to talk about, do you think i would be here, asking for your help? fucking hell
There’s this safe place exercise i’m supposed to do
i try
but the first place i think of is a fictional RV i made up
okay try again
it’s the mountains where i grew up
fucking beautiful
i feel safe when i look at them
cradled
but my parents could be here at any minute
okay try again
the next place is a beach
indiscriminate
but here, I’m still me, ready to bolt at any second, always in fight or flight
never safe
so i try to go back to the RV
where i do feel safe
but apparently, i have to keep talking while i do
my mind short circuits
how can i tell you what it smells like if i don’t know yet??
how can i feel safe if you keep pulling me back?
why can’t i just be?
i slam the door on the RV
i will not
i refuse to
take anyone here
it needs to stay safe
you need to go
the exercise is called safe place
but i end it feeling unsafe
hunched over
clutching my shoulders
feeling once again too fucked up for therapy
because i didn’t fit into others’ ideas of what ‘should’ work
because i didn’t stuff myself into a box to make myself easier to manage
trying so hard
just to exist
Nihilistic Porcupine 