Nihilistic Porcupine

im sorry you had to say it twice

for me to hear

im sorry i scared you

i didn’t mean to

but these words shutter out of my mouth like bullets

no safety on the gun

the no gun’s sign at the entrance?

yeah, that, uh…

it’s written in a language i can’t understand

i can’t learn it either

i tried

i can mimic the sounds,

string them together

perfect imitation

but the meaning is lost

and anyways

you’d have to tell me twice

im sorry

that strong silent beast moving between the trees:

the fear of endings?

he will always be there

because endings will always come

I used to pick lavender from the garden

waiting until evening when the bees had gone away

for in the daytime all the sweet colorful things belonged to them

especially the lavender

“I love the smell of lavender”

he said

gathering a fistful to his nose

letting the scent smother his senses

he was a forgein man

friendly to all but only keeping friends with his own kind

allegedly

even in this foreign land

but he was a kind man who always kept wrinkles

gathered beside his eyes

“I buried a hatchet it’s coming up lavender”

she sang

the notes rang on the membrane of my mind

propelling me up over choppier waters

like a water skeeter

too light to sink

The lavender crept over the driveway

untamed

I admired its ability to escape

to creep away

but remain

gathered and strong

She sipped lavender up her straw

The tall buildings did not judge her but in their gargantuan silence

shielded her

people in the city are always watching each other

but not

with the judging eyes over white suburban picket fences

but with detatched interest

we have both ended up here

but we both wonder

how?

She sipped lavender up her straw

admiring how she had begun to creep away

from all that had scared her

i know you come from the world of softness and light

but

compromise

your desire to soften over all the things i despise

i just an excuse to rub me away

to erase the unacceptability of my existence

you come from to world of softness and light, see?

so to accept my existence

would be to break apart the fun house mirrors of your reality

because smoke and mirrors

tricks of lights

slight of hand

legerdemain

light hand

that’s all it is

so no

compromise is not an option

because compromise

would erase me

you’re holding a nuclear bomb or a firework

you choose

are you scared of me

or do you love me

maybe both?

i’m spinning out

are you scared of me?

i’m pure power

unadulterated

uncontainable

or maybe i’m in my head again

or forgot my meds again

so let me break again and again on the rocks

so long i let other peoples’ words define me

tell me to be scared of opening

spread eagled

being flayed

being wrong

again and again

am i to learn right from wrong

from your twisted words when even they

fling me against the rocks

flay me

spread eagled

open me without consent

violated

i am ready

for opening

on my terms

for surrender to this ocean of experience

becasue that’s all we are

all we can do

is experience

so why do so

with anyone else’s words

let me break open again and again on the rocks

because I long to feel again

flayed

spread-eagled

open

on my own terms

I want my pillz man

But the man in front of me at the pharmacy can’t stop talking about

God

Judgment

Churches

Hispanics??

Fuck

I just want my pillz man