anonymous

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10-22-22

you left that night with another girl and I didn’t know how I felt

Because I didn’t know how much I wanted you

But I wanted you still

NPA theme: not ridding yourself of something that scares you, but understanding it

Fuck, am I too much?

…I admire your passion…when you believe in something, you believe in it. Your words mean something because every ounce of your will is behind them.

…I like your passion, like, when you believe in something, you believe in it. Your words actually mean something because, it’s like, all your willpower is behind them.

jesse 2

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12/19/2022

We sow seeds. Some of them grow, some don’t. Some bloom into flowers, beautiful but impermanent. And some sprout into sturdy, solid trees, meant to last for decades.

I want to have lazy Sunday plans, roll out of bed with someone and then decide what to do together. Only worried about about what time the movie is or how long the brunch line.

I want to cry in a movie with someone I love.

women talking 2

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We think of ourselves, our goals, as climbing mountains. The fallacy of this is there are always taller mountains to climb, we must always keep moving. Our progress, then, is more like the ocean, or any body of water, in its constant movement slowly but surely eroding the rock benath it, creating new shapes and softening old.

(I am allowed to talk in a pretensious way, a ‘male’ way/breifly i wonder, what will I amount to?/the anxiety overtakes me for a second)

women talking

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01/25/2023

what makes something cinematic…

and here i begin to doubt my own words

they falter because i stop believing in them as i create them

what make something cinematic is the artful manipulation of coincidence. the kind that rarely happens in real life and when it does, it feels magical. you feel as though you’ve seen something you should not have. a peak behind some universal curtain

“what follows is an act of female imagination” – Women Talking

we wrest the narrative from our attackers hands

why?

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always ready

what am i hoping to no longer be in pain for? what fear fuels me now?

two facets:

  1. i need to get back up so you can knock me down again, I need to ability to withstand, to continue to withstand, this one is rooted in the past
  2. i want to enjoy life, the tightening in my neck impedes me, rooted in past and present

a contradiction, a paradox: to enjoy the moment, you must release the desire to create a perfect one

how do we deal with our changing opinions of others? am I still hedging against my fear of being hurt

I speak in generalities now, specifics elude me. so much fear surrounds them. baseless fear, I believe.

  1. being in pain sucks.

for your consideration

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For your consideration: a list of things I’m doing wrong

one: I did not respond to your texts (you?)

two: I didn’t tell you why I will never respond to your texts

three: ?

?

I’m not nearly polite enough

I told you you were wrong when you were in charged

i don’t give you the benefit of doubt when you belittle me

I didn’t tell you you were wrong nearly enough

porter 1

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she ended up marrying a firefighter. Eventually, she threw everything he owned out on the lawn and burned the things he cared about the most. She burned each item methodically, carefully containing the flames from the flourishing rose bushes and tomato plants. She burned his shirts first. The trading cards he kept between plastic in pristine conditon. The couch he used to eat his dinner on in lieu of a dining table.

marriage doesn’t change people, despite popular belief. it entrenches them, validates them, enables them. and there are many ways to hurt someone in a marriage.

coffee

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You know, I made two cups of coffee this morning and neither turned out right. They were just…bitter. And on the way to work, I went to merge lanes, and the guy, some blue fucking Nissan, he wouldn’t let me in, he fucking honked at me. So yeah, I guess I’m just bitter. I don’t even remember why. I think I just woke up that way. But like, people like coffee, even though it’s bitter. Even when it’s made right, it’s bitter. But people still like it. it’s just the way it is. 

nancy 1

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Though the 4th floor of the psychiatric hospital was permeated with glass door and floor-to-ceiling windows, this particular room was primarily lit with a series of flourescent tubes, so when those harsh humming lights were turned off, the room was actually very poorly lit.

It was supposed to be lit at 3:16pm on Friday, April 28th, there was supposed to be an individual psychotherpay session. It had been requested for, perscribed, scheduled, all the boxes had been ticked. But at 3:16 on Friday, April 28th, room 421b was dark and empty except for the patient.

It’s apalling how badly most people handle encountering someone in distress. This same patient had curled in a fetal position on the floor of her room, had cried until she passed out from dehydration. All she had to show for it was timid platitudes, a 60 piece puzzle, and couple “Chicken Soup of the Soul” books. It is especially shocking to find this kind of timidy in a place meant for helping people in distress.